Appa(Dad)
Appa, you have such an abundant story to tell, so I want to share a little bit even if it's just a bit of who you were. As per your usual melancholic style, you wished us not to speak in adoration of yourself after your passing. I think, however, your life deserves at least a little retrospective, of you who lived a very ordinary extraordinary life.
I had already thought your life was worth a script and in fact, there is a movie Ode to My Father — striking resemblance of your life —about how a Korean dad sacrificed his life for his family by sending themselves abroad to Vietnam, Germany, Saudi Arabia. I am thankful to the director for capturing the plight of Korean fathers in those years so well. I grew up with a distinct story of you, though it never came from you, that when your mom fell sick you volunteered to go to the Vietnam War to help pay for her medical bills. You heard that the Korean Government will give you some money if you serve, so you volunteered your 20 year old self. Your sisters had a soft spot for you because you go do things like this for the family. And years later, like the film, although not in Germany but in Yemen and Saudi Arabia, you worked manual labor. You went because you had to pay for my heart surgery this time. You didn’t want to tell me this while growing up so I won’t feel bad. You didn’t tell me, but I wouldn’t think it was anything but hard.
You brought me to New York so now when I see the New York City skyline it reminds me of you and it hurts for me to see it for now. I see your blood and sweat and toil it took for you to build in NYC. You may not have built these buildings physically but you built your community and family here with heart and soul. This concrete jungle gave you no break, no paid holidays, no vacation all your life. Hell with it I thought. Not under my watch, I wanted to show you America where you worked so hard but never got to see. So to Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Las Vegas off you went with me or my sister. You loved traveling so I wanted to show you the world; you also traveled to Austria, Hong Kong, Italy. I’m so glad we did, I wish we had gone to more places. But, your little girl grew up and had my own family. So you became a Korean colloquial metaphor — cold rice — set aside, less preferred rice.
You had the soul of a starving artist, a socialist but was thrown into the dog eat dog capitalist world. Sister and I definitely had it hard with an artist type dad who had nothing but love. I saw you as a talented man, who could have been, if you were just born into the right generation. No matter! I longed for you to have this American dream you chased all your life. I wanted to pay you back somehow — so with my sister’s help we bought a condo for you and mom. But towards the end of your life, we had to make a hard decision to move you to senior housing. I convinced myself that it was only temporary and that we would buy you a house soon. But you died believing you were inadequate; even though I wanted to fill that jar, I couldn’t.
You may not have had a house to your name here but you had many homes that wanted your company, your counseling, and join in in your cynical humor. Children flocked to you like Mr. Rogers- you had the smile of Robin Williams — played with the kids like Patch Adams but you perhaps had Robin Williams tortured soul as well. Cause it won’t impress you to hear that news about your passing spread deep and wide. Along with your many friends, many of the now-adult kids were heartbroken, too, as they remember growing up with your warm and funny presence. Dad, I’m not adoring you. You knew all this- you were a ham. But your community who’s shared similar NYC immigrant's hardships is grieving the loss. This heartbroken community that lost you spoke of how they wanted to give back to you. Give you back what? What could a broke man like yourself have given? I think you gave them something of life that can’t be bought with money; You gave your friendship. And your friends are standing by for you and for our family. Your pain and suffering, not all are lost in my eyes, they were gifts to me. Gift of life experience and perspective.
Loved abundantly were we, my sister and me. Lunch you packed for me, long letters, prayers, praises, probably did us, soul, some good. More than you give yourself some credit for. Be in Peace dad. I will always remember you, you were loved and you will always be.
Heartbroken,
Ahreum
My dad passed away suddenly after contracting Covid, a day after my sister’s birthday on January 15, 2021.
